The Absolutely Fantabulous Forbidden Love
by ChaMeleonNinja812
Summary: The absolutely fantabulous Hiccup harem fanfic about his absolutely fantabulous harem consisting of absolutely everyone including his absolutely fantabulous ma and some absolutely fantabulous dude. Please leave an absolutely fantabulous review! Rated M for absolute fantabulousness.
1. Prolog

_Oh, ye came for the harem did ya?_ _Well guess what? The summary wuz a_ lie _The title wuz a_ lie!! _I_ lied _to ye!!! Heck even yo mama lied to ye!!! Ye ain't her kid, ye're th' prince o Nigeria, stolen as a baby, ye were! Yo 'ole life wuz a_ LIE

 _*clears throat*_

 _So anyways, proceed if you dare, noble prince, and face horrors far beyond your imagination!!!!!_

 _MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..HACk.

 _*clears throat again*_

 _Owww I think I strained my vocal chords again..._ owww...


	2. Chapter 1

_The title of this story is actually_

"All the Dead on All the Ships" _and_ not _the "fantabulous" sh*t mentioned earlier._ _It's going to be a series of absolutely ridiculous oneshots that make no sense whatsoever. Read at your own risk!_

 _Uhhh...anyways I haven't been updating as frequently as I used to, because..._

 _Select Your Lame-Ass Lazy Excuse_

 _A. I was on vacay in Spain, even though it isn't even the school holidays yet_

 _B. I was on tour with *insert name of singer*_

 _C. I had writers block_

 _D. I was attacked by a pepperoni pizza_

 _...sorry._

 _Anyways, I broke up._

 _With my sanity._

 _Again._

 _Hence this._

 _Sorry._

 _EXTREME RETARDATION AHEAD!_

 **QWERTY**

Their daughter was born in the middle of winter.

Feathery white snowflakes spiralled down from the sky, nestling in Hicccup's hair as he gazed upon his newborn baby, pride in his heart and agony in his anus.

It literally felt like it was on fire.

 _He had never felt such pain before in his entire life for the Gods sake why had he even agreed to this in the first place_ But looking at his baby, he felt that it was worth it.

Almost.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Not really.

 **Brrrr**

Three months later Jack Frosting stood before the graves of his sort-of-husband and his infant daughter.

It was only after she was born that they realised that both of them lacked the necessary lady bits required for the production of milk.

Milk. You know, the white stuff babies need in order to live?

And since formula hadn't been invented yet, they'd tried yak milk, to no avail. Turned out that the baby was lactose intolerant. She threw up and broke into hives as soon as she tasted it. They would have rushed her to the hospital, except hospitals hadn't been invented yet.

No hospitals.

Only Gothi.

So whilst waiting for hospitals to be invented and having Gothi let out her blood, the baby died.

So that sucked.

And then, as if _that_ wasn't tragedic enough, Hiccup got a bacterial infection in his ruptured b-hole.

Once again, in between waiting for the invention of hospitals and having leeches suck the life out of him, Hicccup died.

And so Jack was all there was left.

Life sucks.

 **Huh**

Jack sighed as he looked at the graves.

Already his friends were telling him to let it go, meet new people, come to terms with his grief, f* himself, etc, etc.

But still...

Eh, stuff like that happens like, all the time. He was totally fine with it. Jack grinned and turned to his friends who were standing some distance behind him.

"Snowball fight, anyone?"

 **POIUY**

 _Hey, me again, sorry you had to see that_. _It was awful, I know, I don't even know what I was thinking when I was writing this._

 _I had fun though, writing this. Giggled like a madman._

 _Err...but anyways, don't get me wrong, but I_ don't _have a problem with people being gay, and I actually am OK with yaoi._

 _It's the ship that I hate._

I. Absolutely. Fuggin. Hate. It.

 _Mainly because I hate seeing Hiccup being shipped with every other random person who happens to be hot._

 _I hate male pregnancy stories as well, 'cause being pregnant is a lady thing, and those guys just went and stole it without even giving us credit like what the heck dudes!? Not cool, OK? not cool!_

 _And I didn't mean what I said about Gothi! She's an amazing person! I'm sorry Gothi please don't whack me with your staff!_


	3. Chapter 2

The Second Chapter: In Which Astord Succumbs to an Unknown Illness

 _So, I went to the library, turned on the computer, logged in, and checked my traffic stats._

 _And I saw 121 Nigerian princes._

 _Woah._

 _Out of anything I've ever written, this dungheap has the most views of them all!_

 _I can't f*cking believe it!_

 _Why? Why would anyone even_ want _to read this? Or are you showing this to your enemies to torture them and break their minds?!_ _You horrible person!_

 _But anyways, this one has a few_ How to Murde-I Mean Eliminate your Astrid _references, so you might want to check that out. It's a fanfic that I myself wrote during one of my saner days._

 _Now onwards, noble prince, to the edge of insanity!_

 **AVDS**

Astord had been out flying with Hicccup when it first started.

It all started with one little sneeze.

"Achoo!"

"Astord? Are you okay?"

No answer.

There would never be an answer.

 **ARGH**

The next day Hicccup watched on as they lowered her coffin into the ground.

She had died of a mysterious illness the previous night, when she was flying on Stoomfly, falling out of the saddle and into the icy depths of the ocean below.

Strangely enough, he wasn't feeling any grief. Sure, he was bummed out by the whole thing, but he wasn't exactly heartbroken.

Quite the opposite, actually.

It was as if when she died, she no longer occupied the space she used to in his heart somwhere between his left and right atria.

 _As if he was now free to love somone else._

"Hicccup!" he heard a voice from behind, breaking his train of thoughts.

It was _Luna Eclipse Amanita Amethyst Jade Phoenix Fyrebyrd_ , the mysterious and totally hot purplette who had mysteriously washed up on the shores of Berk some time before. She had an alluringly mysterious tragic past and seductive mysterious neon puple eyes. She looked like someone had, for some mysterious reason, recoloured Astord's hair and eyes a mysterious shade of purple.

At that exact moment, a sudden realisation hit him.

It was all so clear now.

He knew what he had to do.

"Will you go out with me?" he asked her.

 **SDVA**

 _Aw Gawd that was horrible. I can't believe you survived that._ _But worse horrors await you in the future, noble prince, and you must find the sanity to defeat them..._


	4. The Third Chapter

The Third Chapter:

In Which Astord Perishes In An Unfortunate Accident

 _Sorry about the inconsistent updates. Don't throw a party yet, though, I'm not giving up on this thing yet._

 _Also, thanks for following this, person-who-followed, I'm pretty sure you clicked the button by mistake, but thanks anyways!_ _Onwards, noble prince!_

 **qQq**

"Hey babe can you get that box for me? Thanks."

"Sure." Astord got out the collapsible oar ladder that seemed a little too collapsible _(BOOK REFERENCE! RIGHT THERE IN YO FACE! I MADE A BOOK REFERENCE DID YOU SEE THAT AHAHAHA LOOKIT ME!)_ climbed up it and reached for the innocent-looking box on the shelf.

As soon as her fingers made contact with the surface of the box, it instantly burst open, revealing the Hawaiian pizzas within which promptly did the very thing pizzas were supposed to do-

THEY BLEW UP IN HER FACE!!!!!

"What the-" Astord fell off the ladder in shock, dislocating her spine in about 27-36 places and fracturing her pelvis into approximately 158.75 tiny little shards in the process.

"Ow," she said, at which point an express train took that as its cue to come crashing confidently through the walls of their house and squish her like a human raspberry.

"Astord are you okay?!" as soon as the train was out of sight Hicccup-senpai-sama rushed to her side and humped her like a camel.

"I'm not-" at which point a Llama of Peru leapt gracefully out of the supposedly empty pizza box and rainbow-farted her into airy oblivion.

The End.

 **pPp**

 _WHAT THE FRIGGG DID I JUST WRITE._


End file.
